Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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