I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
