Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
