You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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