I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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