Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
