Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
