I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just pynch a tree in the face
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
