Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
a search helicopter?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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