Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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