is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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