Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
