Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
