This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
