Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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