Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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