mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
