Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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