You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
