Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
