god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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