feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize