did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
