Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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