he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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