We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
