Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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