I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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