i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
