So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
