Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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