this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
