I cut my penus on the lid.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
