I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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