Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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