you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
