Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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