Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
