There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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