Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
