I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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