My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
