T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
