I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
