I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I met the friendliest cop last night
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
