Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we made out on top of his cat.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
