I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
