dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
