WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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