The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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