I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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