did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
