I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
