Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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