i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
