Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
